The Super Lovey-Dovey Match-Making Kissy-Kissy Dating Show
by Very-Bored-Anon
Summary: Hephaestus TV is on! But no one wants to watch, so it's time for some new material! (Caution: Involves lots of pink, bindings and demigods in shades)


**The Super Lovey-Dovey Match-Making Kissy-Kissy Dating Show!**

It was a beautiful night at Olympus; the stars were glittering, the city lights were shining—everything was peaceful. All the gods were calm, all sitting on sofas and watching television in their palaces. Yup, there won't be any disasters going on now.

Suddenly, the gods' television's screens blurred with static. Whatever they were watching, it has been interrupted by Hephaestus TV.

Zeus and Hera groaned in their thrones. Hera put her hand to her forehead, shaking it forlornly. Zeus grumbled.

"This is getting old," Zeus said.

"I agree," Hera said, nodding.

Artemis and her Hunters cried with outrage when 'That's so Raven' was interrupted.

"Curse you, Hephaestus!" Artemis cried.

Apollo simply grumbled a haiku.

"_This show is boring_

_Hephaestus get over it_

_Come up with new things."_

Ares bellowed loudly, "John Cena was about to win you stupid forge!"

Then he realized something, he wasn't in this show.

Poseidon, Amphitrite, and Triton sighed, bubbles floating out of their mouths.

"This better be good," Poseidon said.

Hades, Persephone, and Demeter slumped in their seats.

"He should put up shows about cereal," Demeter groaned.

"You should shut up about cereal," Hades muttered under his breath.

Dionysus leaned back against his reclining chair and propped his legs up onto the foot rest. A goblet of Diet Cola appeared in his hand. Beside him, Chiron sat in wheelchair form. Every cabin has its own bronze television meant to catch Hephaestus TV.

But what they saw was not of Ares and Aphrodite. They saw Hephaestus standing in the centre of the screen with microphone.

"Apparently, you gods are tired of watching me messing with Ares and Aphrodite," he grunted. "Why you are, I don't know. It's _such _a great show!"

"No it's not!" Ares shouted at the screen.

"Just hurry up and get over with it!" Artemis cried. The Hunters agreed with her.

Apollo made another haiku.

"_Glad you understand_

_Enough with your ranting_

_Show us your new show."_

Hephaestus cleared his throat. "So, I give you… 'The Super Lovey-Dovey Match-Making Kissy-Kissy Dating Show'. (Hephaestus made a gagging gesture) Hosted by my adulterous wife… Aphrodite."

He bowed and backed away from the camera. The background melted into hot pink curtains that pull back to reveal a stage. On the wall was a large screen TV with the show's title. There were three seats: a red, one-person couch with Aphrodite sitting on it while applying copious amounts of lipstick, a pink loveseat, and an orange rotating couch which was pointed away from the camera.

When she noticed the camera, Aphrodite threw aside her lipstick and mirror and flashed a 50, 000 watt smile at the camera. She greeted the audience enthusiastically.

"Hello, dear viewers!" she said chirpily. "Welcome to my show. Today, we are going to interview an _adorable_ young man about his feelings. Say 'Hello', Nico!"

The orange couch turned to reveal Nico sitting in it, his wrists strapped to the arm rest. He was looking around anxiously, obviously frightened.

"Why am I here?!" he asked.

"To discuss your feelings, silly!" Aphrodite replied with a laugh.

"I don't want to!"

"Well, you're going to," Aphrodite said and cut him off before he could say anymore. "So, Nico di Angelo, please tell us about your relationship with Percy Jackson."

"What?!"

"Oh, come on! We all know about your crush on him. Tell us about it! Have you gotten over it? Or are you now interested in a new boy? Jason Grace, maybe?"

Nico glared at Aphrodite, blushing bright red. "I want a lawyer!"

The goddess ignored that. "And now, bringing in my co-host, Eros!"

There was a poof of pink smoke, and Eros appeared, sitting on the loveseat.

"Hello, mother," he greeted politely. "Nico."

"Go to Tartarus, Eros!" Nico growled.

That statement was ignored too.

"So, Eros," Aphrodite began. "Tell us about Nico."

Cupid glanced at Nico, smiling evily. "Oh, he's _such_ a desperate boy. He'd do anything to gain love."

"LIES!" Nico cried. Once again, he was ignored.

"He has long dropped his crush on Perseus Jackson and now pursues—"

Before he could finish, a hellhound appeared.

Mrs. O'Leary appeared out of the shadows from behind backstage and jumped onto the stage, barking at Aphrodite and Eros. She was wearing a police siren on her head. From her back, Will, Jason and Percy slid down. They were both wearing sunglasses and had neckties despite the fact they were dressed in jeans and T-shirts.

"What in the name of—?!" Aphrodite shrieked.

Percy marched up to Aphrodite and held a crudely drawn card in Aphrodite's face. It was slightly crumpled and had the words **DWS** written with crayons on it.

"You are under arrest by the DWS!" he said.

"The _what_?"

"Demigods With Shades, that's what!" Jason replied.

Will held a bronze walkie-talkie to his mouth. "Extraction Team—DEPLOY!"

Reyna, who was standing on the bars on the ceiling that held the spot lights and was also wearing shades, lowered down Frank the 20 feet long python, who had his head wrapped around Annabeth, just above the stage right beside Nico. They too were wearing shades. Will had cut Nico's bindings with a pair of scissors. Then, Annabeth wrapped her arms around Nico and motioned for Reyna to pull them up.

"This is so embarrassing!" Nico said as he disappeared off the set.

Hazel and Piper arrived on Arion with bronze handcuffs, also with shades. Meanwhile, Percy and Jason have taken it upon themselves to wreck the stage.

"Rule 30b/25—Kidnapping fourteen-year-old queer boys for the purpose of talking about their crushes in public," Piper read out on a sheet of paper, then she crumpled it and gave it to Arion to eat, "and you _broke_ it!"

"I have _never_ heard of such a rule!" Eros said incredulously.

"That's because we just came up with it," Hazel replied. She held open a pair of handcuffs threateningly.

"Shows over! Goodnight!" Jason and Percy said as they destroyed the camera.

The screen blurred with static before Hephaestus took over.

"Well, uh…" he said awkwardly, scratching his beard. "That's all, folks!" And the programme was off.

Up on Olympus, the gods were amused. Zeus and Hera clapped their hands, impressed.

"Well, that was certainly a nice change," Hera said.

Artemis and her Hunters have doubled over laughing at Aphrodite's predicament.

"And that, my Hunters, is why you should never ever have such talk shows," Artemis said.

Apollo clapped his hands with glee.

"_That was so awesome_

_I want to watch more_

_Please do not cancel it!"_

Ares shouted angrily, "I'll get you twerps for that!"

Back at Hephaestus's forge, Hermes came to deliver a message.

"Your ratings rose by 90%," he said, impressed.

Hephaestus puffed up his chest with pride. "And you thought I'd _fail_. Now, pay up. You owe 100 gold drachmas."

**END**


End file.
